Laura and her husband’s journey into parenthood

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Posted on May 2, 2024

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We are delighted to introduce you to Laura, in this interview she shares how being part of our Adoption@Heart community has enriched her family’s life. Laura had always contemplated adoption since her early 20s and her desire was to have a family, and adoption felt like the right path for her and her husband.

Can you tell us what led you to contact Adoption@Heart

I had always considered adoption in the back of my mind since my early 20s. Some people have a burning desire to ‘be pregnant’, however, I had never had that desire, however, I was desperate to have a family. My husband and I did try to conceive for a short period of time, we considered IVF but decided it just wasn’t for us and adoption was our preferred route.

Immediately after making this decision, we decided to get in touch with an adoption agency, we looked at a couple of agencies online, but Adoption@Heart stood out for us, their website was informative and they openly advertised opportunities to discuss adoption further and so we found booking on to an event and expressing our interest really straight forward.

What made you decide that adoption was the right thing for you?

Whilst we thought it might be right for us from the outset, we didn’t know for sure until we had completed the whole process. Both stage 1 and stage 2 can be daunting and painful processes opening yourself up to social workers, declaring the good, the bad and the ugly. Nevertheless, we found A@H really child centred and they were particularly good throughout the prep training in keeping the child at the centre. At times, we did feel that it was all very trauma based, however, with hindsight we understand why. Whilst it is certainly the case that you need to go into adoption with your eyes wide open and be 100% committed, it is also the case that it is the most rewarding experience of my life. Those times when we were really challenged, and our commitment was tested simply fortified our desire to adopt and our surety that we had the skills as a couple to move our family forward.

Can you describe your experience with the adoption process?

Our preparation training started at the end of November 2020 and we moved through the adoption process at speed. It would be remiss of me to say there were no frustrations during this time though, we had issues obtaining medicals at the time due to the Covid pandemic, we had a very early change in our social worker and we grew frustrated with what we considered at the time to be hair-splitting details of our day to day life and that of our family.

We attended panel to become adopters in April 2021 and were unanimously approved by the panel. At this point, maybe because a little of the pressure had been relieved, we really started to understand the process. We understood that there were no obscure questions after all. The enquiries into our everyday life and that of our families were designed to prepare us and our family, to ensure that we really could identify the support that we might need. Most importantly the process strives to ensure that the eventual placement of a child with us could withstand the stresses and strains of not only parenthood, but parenthood through adoption. The diligence and care taken by our social worker was based on decades of research, successes and mistakes in adoption that had come together to shape a robust and thorough process to benefit families touched by adoption.

We found out about the little girl we would come to adopt in May 2021 and to say the information we initially received was vague is an understatement. We knew her only as ‘C’ for quite some time, a 10-month-old little girl. We did not see a picture of her, and her reports were not shared with us. You see, at the time, there were lots of uncertainties about C’s health, she was seeing consultants for a wide range of potential health issues. We were consistently eager to know more, to meet her foster carer, to see more pictures, to read about her, to meet her! Our eagerness was acknowledged by our social worker, but she kept her resolve and drip-fed us information, put us in contact with a range of professionals and allowed us sessions with the foster carer to make sure that we were in receipt of as much information as possible before we could get too attached to ‘little C’. Looking back, the variety and quality of the information shared with us during this time was quite phenomenal. I still remain in awe of the ability of a social worker to balance these important technical requirements of the adoption process alongside the puppy-dog like enthusiasm of prospective parents like ourselves!

We had very much fallen in love with ‘C’ and by panel at the end of June 2021, we knew her name. We had still not met her at this point, but we felt like we knew her, we very much felt like she was part of our family, and we were excited for our future together…so it was just as well that panel approved our match!

To this point, our experience of adoption had been just how I like things. It was ordered, predictable, we had definite meeting dates, we had built an excellent relationship with our social worker. We had an agenda for each meeting, we knew the format that things would take and what paperwork had to be submitted and when. You almost do not feel emotionally involved with the process because it does not seem real. All of that changed when we met ‘C’ in July 2021 for two hours at the foster carers home. We could not believe we were there; I was more nervous than I have ever been in my life and I have never wanted someone to like me more than that 11 month old little girl! The support provided by social workers and foster carers at this point in our journey was fantastic, quietly observing and championing our little girl who always came first, to everyone involved. We adored her, we followed the plan (by now we understood that the systems were in place for a reason!) and importantly we also bonded with her foster carer, this wonderful woman who had looked after ‘C’ from 4 days old and truly was the font of all knowledge.

‘C’ moved in with her Mommy and Daddy on 5th August 2021, two days before her first birthday. I recall being frustrated with the continued visits of social workers for the next months but again, it is only with hindsight that you fully comprehend the necessity of such processes.

How did you feel before and after approval panel?

Before approval panel we felt extremely nervous. We didn’t quite believe it was happening and despite our social workers reassurances that she wouldn’t take us to panel if she didn’t feel we were ready, we just felt so helpless. More so, we felt very vulnerable, we were aware that the people acting on panel would have read everything that we had done thus far. This represented our whole life, all of the happiness, all of the pain, the bits we didn’t quite like about ourselves and each other.

I remember the panel chair calling me and I was almost shocked she was human! She was lovely and immediately put me at ease, she explained the process of panel and what to expect. Our social worker let us know when she had been invited to panel and when we could expect to be invited in and then, when we entered the virtual meeting, we just saw all of these lovely smiling faces welcoming us. They appeared genuinely interested in our experience to this point and were kind and empathetic in their questions and in our answers. My husband was not especially forthcoming in answering some of the questions (I am definitely the chatty one in the relationship!) and I remember giving him a quick kick under the table to encourage him to speak….then I couldn’t shut him up!

All in all, it was a much less painful experience than I expected and the relief we felt afterwards was overwhelming!

How long were you waiting for a match?

We only waited around one month to find a match, we were very, very lucky! However, this felt like the longest month of our lives. After living the process for eight months (something we perhaps would not have been able to have done had it not been for Covid) we were more than ready to expand our family! That said, we have other adopters in our network who have waited much, much longer. They have been presented with a number of potential matches but have declined them, I would implore all prospective adopters to only proceed with the match if you really get that feeling, if you are sure that everything is right, don’t rush into it.

Can you talk us through the moment that the match was made?

The emotion was profound, even thinking about it now brings tears to my eyes. From the moment we saw our little girls CPR we knew; we just knew that we were going to be her Mummy and Daddy. We had been on a massive emotional rollercoaster, you can’t help but feel that you have to ‘prove yourselves’ to the many professionals involved, but, when that match is made, you just feel incredible. WE COULD NOT WAIT!

All of that said, not long after the match was made, I can recall a wide, wide range of feelings setting in. I felt an enormous amount of sadness for C’s birth family. They had already had their final meeting with ‘C’ but regardless of that, can you imagine how awful this must have been for them? Our happiness was only equal to their sadness.

I also remember feeling sad for the foster carer and her family, they had ‘C’ in their lives from 4 days old and this would represent a massive loss for them.

And of course, the sense of responsibility and sadness for little ‘C’. I couldn’t believe we were being allowed to welcome this little girl into our family, but I was also acutely aware that she had suffered so much loss already and we were about to excitedly welcome her into our home whilst she would just be indescribably confused as to what on earth was going on and who these people were!

It’s the most bizarre set of feelings I have ever experienced and it took some time to work through them, even when ‘C’ was placed.

What was it like when your child came home?

The feelings I have described above can very much be echoed.

We also had ‘C’ two days before her 1st birthday so that was very difficult to manage, the poor little thing must have been so overwhelmed despite our best efforts.

I recall being incredulous that we had been advised not to socialise our little girl with our support network for some time, that we had been told not to take her swimming or to busy places for a while … to stay at home. I get it now, this little girl who had experienced so much loss, so much upheaval, just needed a little time, some gentle parenting and some consistency to hopefully thrive in our family for a lifetime.

We are both self employed and I think, with hindsight, we had probably been a little naïve about how we would be able to manage work and our home life. This meant that the original settling in period for ‘C’ wasn’t just settling in for her but meant us having to adapt massively in our worklife. This made it all very stressful and only re-enforces the work put in with professionals throughout the process regarding managing stress, support networks and giving each other time … these to me are the three key points to adoption and their importance should not be underestimated.

What advice would you give yourself if you could go back to that first call you made?

Take your time, trust the process, think about how it will actually all work out in reality (and not through rose tinted specs!!) and once that child is placed with you; chill out, give them all the time in the world but also give them space, understand the upheaval they have experienced and give them time for as long as you can … it will not all be solved after a week of living with you! And most important? Get a network of as many adopters around you as you possibly can, nobody else in the world can understand this amazing experience!

What would you say to anyone considering adoption?

Again, trust the process! It can be extremely difficult, you won’t understand why you are doing what you are doing sometimes, you will despise the process at times … but trust it! It will all come together, and you will get it as some point in a year or two and you will appreciate it.

Also, keep learning. Don’t ever stop researching and reading.

What advice would you give to prospective adoptive parents and for what reasons would you recommend Adoption@Heart?

Go for it! Honestly, my experience with this agency has been incredible. I think I have made clear that I have had frustrations along the way but build a good enough relationship with your social worker that you can share those frustrations, it’s the only way it will work.

The advice, guidance and training of this agency is based on decades of experience from a range of professionals. Their support continues to be exceptional. They have some really, really good people working for them who care immeasurably. I highly recommend them.

If Laura and her husbands’ story has encouraged you to think about adoption, you can find out more at one of our regular information events.

Or get in touch with us by calling 01902 55 3818 or email info@adoptionatheart.org.uk

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